An ode to Travis Kelce

(sing to the tune of Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer)

You know Shannon and Olsen and Jimmy and Witten

Tony, and Newsome and Shockey and Kittle.

But do you recall

The greatest tight end of all?

 

Travis Michael Kelce

The best tight end in the NFL

And if you disagree

Then you can go straight to hell

All of the other NFL fans

Are jealous of Kansas City

Compared to Travis Kelce,

Their team's Tight End is shitty

Then one foggy January

Travis came to say:

"You got to fight, for your right,

to parrrr-tay!"

Then how the fans all loved him

As they shouted out with glee

Travis you're the best Tight End

And you dunk better than Tony G!

Consider the facts:

• Kelce leads the NFL in receiving yards (1250 yards, 70 more than the 2nd best receiver overall and 433 more than the second most by a tight end)
• His 1250 yards this season are just 127 yards from tying the most receiving yards in a single season by a tight end (1377, set by George Kittle in 2018). 
  
• Kelce is the only tight end in NFL history to record 5 seasons of 1000+ receiving yards
• Even better, he has done it 5 STRAIGHT seasons, an NFL record
  
• Kelce has 7,715 total receiving yards in basically 7 seasons (he only played in one game his rookie year before being lost to the season for injury). That is 1100 yards per season! 
• And it is not like Patrick Mahomes is padding his stats - he caught passes from Checkdown King Alex Smith for 5 seasons!
  
• Among some of the greatest tight ends, he has the highest average receiving yards per game:  

Pretty clear to me that Kelce is having an historic season and is going to the Hall of Fame!

Happy Holidays!

25 years young

 Oh to be 25 again! Your body feels great (no back pain!), you can stay up late (and drink 14 beers!), and also wake up early (even after 14 beers!), and you don't have any weird or gross body hairs (everyone has those, right?!).

You might be asking yourself why I care about being 25 and the answer is that Kansas City's own Greatest Quarterback and Amazing Human Being turns 25 today (Sep. 17). So not only is Patrick Mahomes the richest QB of all time, recently engaged to his high school sweetheart (Congrats!), and a Super Bowl MVP, but he is also turning the best age a human can be. Happy Birthday! 

To commemorate his birthday and celebrate his life, here are 25 fantastic and completely true facts about Patrick:

25. Patrick can kill two stones with one bird.

24. Patrick can make onions cry. 

23. Patrick once bowled a perfect game with a child's marble.

22. Patrick can unscramble an egg.

21. Patrick doesn't use a watch or clock for the time. He tells them what time it should be. This includes the play clock:

20. Patrick can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. In the middle of the night.

19. Patrick has two dogs that are trained to pick up their own poop because Patrick does not take any shit from anyone.

18. Patrick can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best damn lemonade you have ever had.

17. Patrick's computer has no Backspace key since he never makes mistakes.

16. When Bruce Banner is mad, he turns into The Hulk. When The Hulk is mad, he turns into Patrick.

15. Patrick can cut a knife with butter.

14. Patrick was once bitten by a poisonous rattlesnake. After several days of excruciating pain, the rattlesnake died.

13. Paper beats rock which beats scissors, but Patrick beats all three at the same time.

12. Patrick can sneeze with his eyes open.

11. In Spain, people run from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Patrick.

10. If you google "Quarterbacks better than Patrick" there will not be a single result.

9. Patrick can throw a football so hard it travels around the world and hits himself in the back of the head.

8. Someone who is ambidexterous can use their right and left hands equally well. They have to invent a new word for Patrick who can use both hands and both feet equally well:

7. Patrick can order and receive ketchup for his steak at any steakhouse in the entire world, and not a single person would laugh.

6. Patrick got coronavirus. The coronavirus is now being quarantined.

5. Patrick has counted to infinity. Three separate times.

4. Superman owns a pair of Patrick Mahomes pajamas.

3. If you are not wearing football pads, Patrick can throw a football that will hit you so hard it will make your blood bleed.

2. The reason that Raiders, Chargers, and Broncos fans' babies cry is that they know they have been born into a world where Patrick exists and will dominate their team for the next decade.

1. Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Patrick can throw Brett Favre over 75 yards.

Happy Birthday Patrick!!!!!!! Today is also one of my best friend's bday today and for the record, Mike you can do most of these too!

A visit from Saint Andy

 Twas the morning before the season and all through KC,

Fans rushed to wake up and head to McD’s.

They wanted their flags in vibrant red and gold,

The word CHAMPIONS centered in Bold.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of Mahomes TDs danced in their heads.

Meanwhile in San Francisco, the fans sat and sneered

Their streets were still flooded with Super Bowl tears.

Tyreek Hill they just couldn’t stop

After Patrick had said “Do we have time to run WASP”?

 The Niners celebrated early and deserve all the flack,

But here in KC, its time to #RunItBack!

Niners need love too

As the 2020 Valentine's Day nears, it is important for us all to remember everyone in our lives that is worthy of love and affection. This includes:

• Grandparents
• Parents
• Children
• Sibling(s)
• Aunts/Uncles/Cousins
• Neighbors
• Your middle school science teacher who gave you detention for chewing gum in class
• And the 49ers players and their fans

The last one is tough to show love to as they have been the saltiest group of humans in world history. Not everyone can win the Super Bowl (y'all already have won FIVE of them for goodness sake!) but here we are 9 days after the CHIEFS BECAME WORLD CHAMPIONS and the 49ers and their fans are changing the meaning of the phrase "Would you like fries with that?" As in, "y'all want some fries with that salt you crybabies?"

Regardless of whether George Kittle had OPI, whether Nick Bosa was held, whether the first Damien Williams TD was inbounds or not, YOU STILL HAD A 10-POINT LEAD WITH LESS THAN 7 MINUTES TO PLAY IN THE SUPER BOWL AND YOU BLEW IT. And you blew it royally because you LOST BY 11 POINTS. Accept your fate. You suck you losers.

I digress. This is about love not how stupid the Niners are. And thus, I present to you some #NinersValentines for the 49ers players and fans in your life. You may choose to also send some #ChiefsValentines their way too. Happy Valentine's!

Kyle Shanahan has lots of time for you, LOL

Richard Sherman will keep you in his sights. Literally.

LOL

Jimmy G may or may not throw your love away

No one feels sorry for Nick Bosa

OPI means "Oh Please be mIne"

A Valentines Day for Champions

It is that time of year...love is in the air. The Midwest is cold as February "heats up". AND THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS ARE WORLD CHAMPIONS.

Sorry for yelling but really, how often does one get to type "THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS ARE WORLD CHAMPIONS!"? Not often. So you can bet your bottom I will be taking liberties with that phrase as much as possible in this post.

Anyway, the WORLD CHAMPION KANSAS CITY CHIEFS recently won the Super Bowl, making them CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD, and they deserve all the love we can muster here in #ChiefsKingdom. Kudos to Andy Reid and Co., the CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD. What a fantastic game that was replete with a third 10-point comeback in as many playoff games from the WORLD CHAMPION CHIEFS. Anyone who counted them out surely now feels like a complete tool, considering the WORLD CHAMPION CHIEFS won every one of their playoff games by double-digits after being behind by double-digits in every single one of them. Y'all ain't gonna doubt them anymore are ya?!?!?!

I digress. A few years ago, I made some Royals Valentines to commemorate THE WORLD CHAMPION KANSAS CITY ROYALS, which seemed to be pretty popular (even the KC Star picked them up!). So naturally, I thought the WORLD CHAMPION KANSAS CITY CHIEFS deserved the same treatment. I apologize in advance for the more PG-13 rated ones - it is NOT my fault some of the Chiefs players have suggestive names and nicknames. Enjoy! The WORLD CHAMPION KANSAS CITY CHIEFS sure had a great time at their parade, so you should have some fun with these WORLD CHAMPION Valentines - send them to everyone you know, especially Raiders, Donkeys, and Chargers fans who all have been missing a WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP in their lives.

 Mr. MVP of everything wants your heart

The Landlord collects rent from everyone but you

Dame Dash, the real Super Bowl MVP, will run to your heart

The best part of the Super Bowl Parade LMAO

Find you someone to love like Kelce loves Lombardi (and partying)

Y'all remember when the Chiefs muffed a punt vs the Titans and Dustin had to throw the ball away? Well he won't do that with your love!

Greatest backup QB in football

Greatest Coach (and cheeseburger eater) in football

Dirty Dan! He saved the day against Houston, and therefore deserves your love

LMAO Dee Ford can suck it

Greatest play in NFL history (besides 65 Toss Power Trap)

Let the doc fix your heart

His name says it all lmao

HIS name says it all LMAO

Ballers be ballin'

Sammy the Lizard King! Unsung Super Bowl hero...

Kendall Fuller was a BEAST in the SB

Chris Jones soda is sweet as summer love

Big Fish! So many puns LOL

Sausage. 'Nuff said.

 T-Sizzle!

The Buttkicker wants your love

No pressure(s) allowed. Literally. LOL

I just called, to say...

 If Mike Pennel can stop Derrick Henry, he can stop your love from running away

Happy Valentine's Day to the WORLD CHAMPION KANSAS CITY CHIEFS!

From IV to LIV

 Real writers write because they want to, not because they have to (with the exception of Fyodor Dostoyevsky, who literally had to write a novel in 4 weeks or be banished to prison forever). As such, I have been wanting to write about the Chiefs being in the Super Bowl for basically all of my life, and finally, after 37 years, my wish has been granted (I’m a writer now!). 

What’s that? You think 37 years makes me old?! Well I am nowhere near as old as the Chiefs Super Bowl drought, which turned 50 years old just 19 days ago. Fifty years of nothing. In that same span, the hapless Kansas City Royals have played in FOUR (4) World Series, winning two (2) of those. And the Kansas City Wizards/Sporting KC have won two (2) MLS championships and four (4) US Open Cup titles in an even shorter time period (24 years). We used to think the Royals were a marker of futility (a 30-year playoff drought will do that to you), but If you really think about it, the Chiefs have been the biggest losers of KC. I do not say that lightly. I have been the biggest Chiefs fan I know my entire life, with the exception of my father, a former Season Ticket Member (STM). 

For example, during the Chiefs’ Bono/Grbac/Gannon years, I would attend Sunday church services with my family that would run from 9:15 to 10:30 am, which would normally get me home in time to turn on the Chiefs pregame television show at 11am. The show featured player interviews and a plethora of interesting stats and was Must-See TV for a devoted fan like me. On Sundays when Pastor Ted or Pastor Lieb were feeling extra feisty and extended their sermon, I would sometimes miss the beginning of the pregame show, resulting in lots of anger and disbelief in a God Who Cared About the Chiefs. (seriously, what Pastor would keep his flock from watching an interview with Hall of Fame running back Marcus Allen in which he discusses his favorite offseason hobbies? The audacity to make us miss that!). As a young teenager, my dream car in those days was a Ford Mustang painted Chiefs red, which I was planning to proudly drive everywhere while donning head-to-toe Chiefs gear (in case you were wondering, no, I never did get that Chiefs red Mustang, but I did drive a maroon Ford Ranger which I used to tailgate at Chiefs games numerous times so suck it haters). 

Speaking of Chiefs tailgates, one of my favorite life stories is when I was 18 years old my friend Ryan and I went to the Chiefs-49ers preseason game at Arrowhead Stadium. The date was August 13, 2000. The Chiefs were 0-1. Ryan and I sat in the back of my Maroon Ford Ranger drinking Dr. Pepper and eating Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. There was a tailgate next to us with folks drinking wine coolers and beer and having a grand ol’ time. They went inside the stadium before us and said we could take any beer we wanted from their cooler. Ryan and I looked at each other, devilish grins across our faces, thought for a second, then I announced “No way will I ever tarnish my body by consuming alcoholic beverages. This body is a TEMPLE.” To this day I forever regret not holding myself to that because if I had never drank a drop of alcohol in my life I would certainly be a millionaire LMAO.

I digress. 

It’s been fifty (50) years since the Chiefs have seen the big game. There are a million storylines to follow, which I may dive into in another post if I get time, but briefly here are some notable things to keep an eye on:

• The Chiefs are riding an 8-game winning streak, including the playoffs. Their last loss was Nov. 10 against the Titans., The 49ers have won 4 straight.
•  The Chiefs’ end zone at the Super Bowl is painted yellow (below). They are 3-0 this season with yellow endzones, having beat Baltimore, the Texans, and the Titans
•  Patrick Mahomes has thrown 11 TDs to zero (0) interceptions in his brief playoff career
•  The 49ers have a slight edge vs the Chiefs all time, with an overall record of 7-6. However, the Chiefs have won 3 of the last 4 meetings, including Patrick Mahomes home debut as a starting QB in the NFL, and have outscored the 49ers 274 to 245 all time.

Let's go Chiefs!