Thursday, April 21, 2016

Capt. Redbeard, the Pirate of the High Plains

After Johnny Cueto departed the Royals for the San Francisco Giants upon winning a World Series ring, the Royals were in dire need of starting pitching depth. They only had a somewhat unproven Yordano Ventura, an aging Chris Young, a shaky Danny Duffy, a somewhat rehabbing Kris Medlen and the steady Eddie Volquez, which was not a formidable set of pitchers by an means.

So this offseason, the Royals' GM Dayton Moore answered the call to add pitching depth by signing Ian Kennedy to a 4-year deal worth $70 million, which many lauded as a terrible move and poor signing. Everyone thought the Royals were overpaying for mediocrity and would regress this season. Guess what suckers? IAN KENNEDY DOESN'T SUCK. Even though it is a small sample size, take a look:
  • Kennedy started his tenure with the Royals with 13 straight scoreless innings
  • He has only allowed 3 runs in 20 innings (1.35 ERA)
  • After 3 games, he has more strikeouts than Felix Hernandez, Clayton Kershaw, Max Scherzer, Jake Arrieta, Jon Lester, Corey Kluber, RA Dickey, and Johnny Cueto. On that list are 6 Cy Young winners
  • He is the only National League pitcher to have at least 30 starts in the past 6 seasons 
  • Oh, and the Royals are currently the third-best team in the AL
So put that in your pipe and smoke it you ignorant haters. Kennedy has looked very sharp so far and has added the ability to strike out batters to a pitching staff that normally relies on the amazing defense behind them to keep games close. As a result of his brilliant start for the Royals, Kennedy is thus in need of a nickname. Some have argued for Red Dawn, but I am here to present a case for Captain Redbeard. The evidence I present below will show that Kennedy is clearly a leader of the Royals who can aid aid them in victory while looking great in his red beard. The evidence will also show that the rest of the Royals look terrible in a red beard (with the exception of Wade Davis, who looks exactly the same no matter the color of his beard).

First of all, look at this handsome man at the helm of his Pirate Ship below. Kennedy seems to be saying "Arr, matey, I've come to plunder your hits and steal your batting average ye olde fools. Also, hide your women, as my beard has the power to make any woman fall in love with me."
Second of all, look at how terrible every one of the Royals looks in a red beard (or more specifically, Ian Kennedy's red beard, as I photoshopped his beard onto the whole team, plus coaches):
LoCain looks terrible in a beard
Ned looks like the type who would eat crumbs that fell into his beard. Esky looks awful in a beard
Dyson should never grow a beard, but Chris Young looks decent
Volquez looks so terrible with a beard, but Medlen can pull it off
Terrance Gore should never grow a beard, but Chien-Ming Wang looks kind of sophisticated with one
I think there is no more evidence needed to anoint Ian Kennedy as Capt. Redbeard, Pirate of the High Plains. Hopefully, he maintains his hot start and the Royals' offense starts kicking in.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Wade, Please forgive me

Dear Wade Davis -

Please forgive me. Last night, I did something wrong and hope that you can look past my transgression and continue to dominate the Royals' MLB opponents. Especially the stupid Houston Astros, who only had 1300 fans in attendance last night, which is far too few people witnessing the greatness of your right arm, even if they are fairweather Lastros fans.

Please forgive me because last night, I doubted you. Not at first though. WIth the Royals leading 3-2 in the bottom of the ninth inning, I felt the game was over. "The Astros have no chance," I said. You struck out Evan Gattis and I knew the game was over. Then Luis Valbuena came to the plate and worked a full count and I knew you would get strikeout #2, but instead of swinging at your nasty cutter like everyone else does, he took the pitch and took a base.

Please forgive me because that made me slightly worried. Jason Castro was coming to bat next, and as a left-handed hitter who can mash the ball easily out of the park because the Astros decided to install the shortest right field I have ever seen since my days playing coach's pitch as a 7-year old, I started to doubt your ability to finish this game. Castro ran up a full count and also walked, putting two runners on with only 1 out.

Please forgive me, but I started to doubt you. Jose Altuve, who leads the MLB in hits since 2013 and is only 4'3", therefore giving him the smallest and hardest to find strike zone in the league, was batting next. I just knew he would ruin my night by poking a single through the infield, allowing Jake Marisnick, the speedy outfielder who was running for Valbuena, to score and tie the game. Altuve battled to a full count after you threw two balls that would normally be strikes on any other batter, but were too high for that little midget. Then you got him to fly out to shallow right field and Marisnick wasn't able to tag up and take third base. Still, I doubted you, as George Springer, whose arms look like Barry Bonds in his steroid prime, was coming to plate and in my mind, I was already conceding to the fact that he would win the game with a double or even worse, a 3-run homer in tiny Minute Maid Park that would energize all 1300 fans in attendance.

Please forgive me, because you ran up another full count on Springer and had thrown 32 pitches which is very high since you normally mow down hitters in the minimum required for a strikeout, In fact, I bet you could find a way to strike out batters on just one pitch, which would be incredibly efficient and is something a cyborg would do. Anyway, Spring had a full count with 2 runners on and 2 outs and I thought he might send the Astros home with a walk off then you absolutely froze him on a nasty pitch that struck him out while he looked on and iced the game and sent 1300 people (from a metropolitan area of 6 million) home with no joy in their hearts, just another group of victims in the Wade Davis Experience. I would not want even my greatest enemy to face you in the batter's box. Look at you walking off the mound before the umpire even called a strike and Springer thought he walked earned a base on balls, and you don't look at strikeouts:
Please forgive me for doubting you and please continue to treat opposing MLB batters the way a cat toys with a mouse. I am just an ignorant fan and I will never doubt you again.

Forever Royal,


p.s. I realize it is hyperbole when I say that Houston had 1300 fans in attendance last night. The real number was 1200. I apologize for being so dramatic.

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Dad bods

Last night, the Royals squeaked out a 4-3 victory over the Minnesota Twins behind some timely hitting from Sal Perez and Omar Infante and incredible shutdown pitching from Wade Davis. Incredible shutdown pitching from Wade Davis has been a Nightly Event for Royals fans for quite a while now and we should all feel blessed to witness his greatness,

One of my thoughts during the game was how much I dislike the Twins' franchise player Joe Mauer, who always finds a way to stick a knife in KC when he comes to town. I can't wait until that guy retires. And speaking of, he already looks semi-retired as he is currently rocking a dad bod. There is nothing wrong with a dad bod, except that it is the number one cause of pasty gross male bodies that are disgusting to look at. I thought it would be a good use of my time to reveal Joe Mauer's dad bod to the world, along with the other athletes who also shamelessly rock their dad bods. Enjoy.
Joe Mauer in all his dad bod glory, watering his lawn
Miggy Cabrera will never be mistaken for Alex Gordon, the King of Fitness
I hate Peyton Manning's dad bod as much as I hate him
Johnny Cueto rocks his dad bod all over the 'Gram
Billy Butler, owner of a dad bod since he was in the 2nd grade
The Royals have not been below .500 since July of 2014, so hopefully they can take this series from Dad Bod Mauer and the rest of the Twins before making their way to Houston next week for a 4-game series and a rematch of the ALDS.