The Royals should move to AZ

The Royals won last night, squeezing out a 4-3 victory after Mike Moustakas accounted for all 4 runs. Moose had a home run, giving him 14 for the year (which leads the Royals), one night after the Royals pounded out 3 home runs against the Diamondbacks. Below are some news and notes:

On Tuesday, Alex Gordon collected his 1,000th hit. 

Nori Aoki hit his first home run for the Royals on Tuesday, which turned out to be a grand slam. After tearing up the Arizona Cactus League in Spring Training for what seems like 2 straight decades now, the Royals should play a third of their games at the K, a third on the road, and a third in Arizona. I fully support this. And now that former Royal Frank White won the primary for a seat on the Jackson County legislature, we can make this happen. Everyone vote for him in November and let’s get the “AZ Royals” train moving.*

*mind you, I do not want them to permanently move to AZ. Just for a third of the season so they can ensure they make the playoffs for the next 60 years and make up for the last pathetic 29 years of futility 

Last night, Greg Holland notched his 32nd save, which leads the American League and is tied for 3rd best in baseball.  The Royals’ set-up men and closer all have ERA’s below 2.00, and most teams are lucky to have one. Wouldn't it be great to watch them mow down hitters in October?!

Also last night, Ace Ventura struck out 8, and his record now stands at 9-8. Pretty solid for his first full year. There are so many amazing photos of Ventura pitching on the internet:

The Royals win last night gave them their 5th straight series win. As Sam Mellinger from the KC Star points out here , the Royals need to basically win every series the rest of the season to have any real hope for the playoffs. They are certainly on their way, barring any collapses, and have won 11 of their past 14. 

The Rangers won their last two games ensuring that the 2003 Detroit Tigers will remain firmly entrenched as the WORST AMERICAN LEAGUE TEAM EVER TOPLAY THE GAME. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, suck it Detroit. I hate you.

The Royals are 3.5 games behind Detroit and half a game out of the second wild card. SWEEP THE D-BACKS AND THE MURDER THE GIANTS!!!!!!!!! The playoffs are so close I can actually smell the hot dogs and helmet nachos in the October air. GIVE KANSAS CITY MEANINGFUL SEPTEMBER BASEBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

The Chiefs play tonight and my sand volleyball team might play for the championship tonight and all I can think about is how close the Royals are to owning a wild card spot and/or maybe dethroning the Douche-troit Tigers. Happy Thursday!

KC > Oakland

Let me recap last night’s Royals game for all of you who had something better to do:

Inning 1: Nothing happened

Inning 2: Nothing happened

Inning 3: Nothing happened

Inning 4: Nothing happened

Inning 5: Raul Ibanez, who is 105 years old*, pulled a solo dinger over the right field fence and broke his record as the oldest Royal to ever hit a home run.

Inning 6: Nothing happened

Inning 7: Nothing happened

Inning 8: Nothing happened**

Inning 9: Nothing happened***

*He is really only 92 years old and 59 days, I was exaggerating for effect.

**Nothing happened; however, WADE DAVIS WAS PISSED OFF AFTER GIVING UP HIS FIRST EXTRA BASE HIT OF THE SEASON TWO NIGHTS AGO TO THE STINKING TWINS AND HE DECIDED TO TAKE HIS ANGER OUT ON THE A’S. They were helpless. He had two strikeouts, as usual. IF YOUR TEAM IS LOSING TO THE ROYALS BY 3 RUNS OR LESS AND IT IS THE EIGHTH INNING, YOU HAVE AUTOMATICALLY LOST.  Davis’ ERA is 0.95 and he has only allowed 5 earned runs ALL YEAR, which is basically zero. The Tigers have basically the worst bullpen ever, so suck it Detroit.

*** Nothing happened except former Royal Alberto Callaspo struck out hilariously to end the game because GREG HOLLAND.

Some other notes about the game:

Oakland is the MLB’s best team and they gut SHUTOUT at home by the MEDIOCRE Royals. Everyone go have a beer. Then send some mean emails to Raiders fans letting them know that JAMAAL CHARLES IS HUNGRY and wants to score 14 touchdowns against them. That should ruin their weekend.

This was the eighth shutout of the year for KC. That ranks tied for #12 in baseball. Not bad, not bad.

This was the third straight game that Wade Davis and Greg Holland pitched, largely due to the fact that the Royals offense cannot score more than 1 or 2 runs per game. I was surprised that Ned Yost called for Davis to pitch, but it paid off BECAUSE NO ONE CANNOT HIT OFF OF WADE DAVIS. Or Greg Holland.

The Royals have won 8 of the last 10, after losing 4 straight following the All-Star game. Detroit on the other hand, who just signed Joakim Soria AND David Price, have lost 6 of their past 10. Suck it you turds.

The newly acquired Jon Lester, who looks like the creepy King Herod in Mel Gibson’s The Passion, is set to make his debut for Oakland tonight. Dear baseball gods, PLEASE let the Royals bats wake up and make Lester look as foolish as King Herod.

Trade deadline and voodoo dolls

Last night, the Royals beat the Minnesota Twins in their normal fashion: a few scattered hits, solid starting pitching, SHUTDOWN relief pitching, and a few pins jabbed into a voodoo doll of Twins manager Ron Gardenhire. You can see Ned Yost smiling like an idiot right after he sticks a pin in that Gardenhire doll. Below is proof:

There is absolutely nothing new to discuss about the Royals. They are still plodding along at a few games above .500; they are still not hitting home runs (or anything really); they are still bunting a lot; they are still not making splashy moves at the trade deadline to bring in a player who can hit the ball with authority. Oh that’s right, today is the non-waiver trade deadline. The Royals have been rumored to be in the mix for several starting and relief pitchers which is funny BECAUSE THEY DO NOT NEED PITCHING. Granted, they could use a LOOGY (left-handed relief specialist), especially since Scott Downs sucks, but I think they are fine with what they have. 

Rather, they should be targeting a bat to beef up their lineup. And I am sorry but I have no suggestions for who they should target. The Royals traded Danny Valencia so they are sticking with Mike Moustakas at third base, so the only position they can really go after is right field. The only right fielders who are available (Marlon Byrd) are OLD and aren’t really hitting this season.  Plus Byrd costs too much. Maybe the Royals should go after Matt Kemp from the Dodgers and throw wads of cash at him. He wouldn’t come to KC though, and David Glass won’t be throwing wads of cash at anyone either. 

This is a tough part of the season to be a Royals fan; on the one hand, the Royals are in second place and 3.5 games out of one of the wild card spots. On the other hand, they are behind 4 teams for that wild card spot and are 5 games behind Detroit and probably won’t win the AL Central division. Adding the right player could boost their chances, but there seems to be a lack of players of available that they need. If they don’t add any players, they have to hope the current roster goes on a tear. The Royals have a fairly easy schedule the rest of the season (although they have 7 games against the MLB’s best team, the Oakland A’s), and barring any moves they might make today, KC fans have to hope Alex Gordon, Eric Hosmer, Lorenzo Cain, Alcides Escobar and Salvador Perez can hit well enough to win about 60% of our remaining games, and that James Shields, Bruce Chen, Ace Ventura, Danny Duffy and Jeremy Guthrie limit the damage from other teams enough to get the ball to Wade Davis and Greg Holland. And Ned Yost, PLEASE STOP PUTTING SCOTT DOWNS IN THE GAME. HE SUCKS.

Not to be a Debbie Downer, but it certainly feels like come September 30, Royals fans will be on the edge of the Kit Bond bridge threatening to jump into the Missouri River when they become fans of the franchise with the longest playoff drought in the history of the world. I personally will be looking for 1,000 pins and a doll of Ned Yost...

Chiefs Bear>>>Royals Bear

Watching the Royals last night, one can’t help but feel like Grumpy Bear.

It feels like the season is already over watching the Royals play. They have no life. No one seems to be trying.

An optimist will say that there is still hope that the Royals will make the playoffs. A pessimist will say that the Royals have not reached the bottom yet. 

I think the Royals are going through a rough patch, one that every team experiences. It is clearly poor timing on their part as they have slipped from FIRST PLACE to THIRD, and another loss tonight will put them in FOURTH. I don’t want to dwell on that though, because it’s too easy to complain about them. It is also too hard to find positives about them so I won’t do that either.

Rather, I will focus on what Kansas Citians have had to do for DECADES at this time of year: forget the Royals and move on to the Chiefs.

In addition to this blog about (mostly) the Royals, I also blog about the Chiefs for www.Chiefs360.com (check out my posts here). All players will report to training camp on Thursday, and after last season’s ugly exit in the playoffs, I am excited to get this season going and end another stupid Kansas City record (8 straight playoff losses…ugh). The Chiefs have not won a playoff game in 19 years! 

Despite losing numerous starters from last year’s team, I think the Chiefs can make the playoffs again in 2014. Denver was very good last year but it might be very hard for them to replicate last year’s success, especially after every team got to watch Seattle’s defense dismantle the Broncos' offense and can mimic what they did this season. If the Broncos have any offensive line injuries and/or Peyton Manning goes down, they are toast. San Diego was surprisingly decent last season but their head coach is unproven and I can see them regressing backwards this season. And Oakland looks awful on paper (their starting QB is Matt Schaub. Really?!). The Chiefs added some defensive help this offseason, and if Alex Smith and Jamaal Charles stay healthy, and Dwayne Bowe puts up statistics like he is capable of, and they get more production at tight end (all of which seem very likely), the Chiefs can easily win the division and lock up home field in the playoffs.

The first preseason game against the Bengals is only 16 days away. For all you Royals fans like me, who may feel like Grumpy Bear today, turn that frown upside down and feel like the Chiefs Bear instead.

Doofuses

Most of the Royals game last night was torture. The Royals couldn’t get any timely hits. They were striking out all over the place. Ace Ventura, as is his custom, gave up costly home run. And the stinking Detroit Tigers refused to lose, threatening to extend their divisional lead over the Royals by beating the Dodgers for the second night in a row. I was ready to start writing another post about a lost season and the Royals-coaster we have been experiencing since April.

But then Raul Ibanez stepped up to the plate in the top of the 8^th inning with two runners on base, losing by 2. I could feel one of his trademark pulled home runs coming. The tension rose. Sweat dripped down pitcher Jake McGee’s face. Then Ibanez struck out, looking like a doofus in the process. 

I turned the game off. 

No point in finishing it. Ibanez had ruined their best chance to win. The Royals were going to dig another huge hole right before the All-Star break and would forever miss the playoffs. However, as a lifelong Royals fan, I had to check the score first thing in the morning. I am usually not treated to thrilling and exciting finishes, but nevertheless, if I did not finish watching the Royals game the night before, I have to check the score right after I wake up. I think I bleed Royals blue.

Anyway, as the story goes, Salvador Perez stepped up to the plate in the top of the ninth and hit a high fly ball that slipped over the fence and the Royals stole a game from the Rays and salvaged their season while Wil Myers watched from the bench, looking more like a doofus than Raul Ibanez ever did (see below). Suck it Tampa Bay. And get a haircut Wil.

As it stands, the Royals are 4.5 games behind Detroit, who comes to Kauffman Stadium for the final 4 games before the All-Star break. A huge opportunity for Kansas City to make a statement about the second half of the season. LET’S KILL THOSE TIGERS. They have had enough division titles lately. 

KC is behind only Seattle and LA Angels for a Wild Card spot.

Winning the Royals Lottery

Last night, Americans watched fireworks as the Kansas City Royals throttled the Cleveland Indians. BEST FOURTH OF JULY EVER. There were quite a few noteworthy things from the game:

First, Ace Ventura came three outs away from the Royals first complete game of the year. That would have been his first career complete game shutout too. Despite the disappointment in losing the shutout (which was ruined by a solo home run from Michael Brantley in the bottom of the ninth), Royals fans have plenty to appreciate from it. Ventura is a rookie, so there should be plenty more chances for a complete game shutout. He never faced more than 4 batters in one inning, which is phenomenal. And he got a ton of hitting from his teammates, most notably Christian Colon, who was making his first big league start.

Colon was a beast, smacking 2 doubles and a triple while getting his first RBI and scoring 3 runs. He was playing second base for Omar Infante, who was scratched with a sore back. What a night though! He was the Royals first round draft pick in 2010 (4^th overall), and I am very happy and excited to see him reach the majors. He can fill a valuable role as a utility player for the rest of this season.

Second, THE ROYALS ARE NOW TIED FOR LAST PLACE WITH 49 home runs. They are no longer alone as the worst in the MLB. That is worth rejoicing. Mike Moustakas hit a 3-run bomb last night, giving the Roylas 49 on the season, and someone needs to hit another tonight so we can move ahead of St. Louis.

Third, the Independence Day hats that MLB teams wore are beauties. For those of you who missed my birthday on Thursday, I will take one of these hats please. Size 7 1/4. You can buy them here. Below is a pic of them:

 Finally, my friend Kevin basically won the Royals Lottery last night. He is living in Ohio, and was able to attend the game last night in Cleveland. He sat next to Colon’s dad, and got an autographed ball from Bruce Chen and Jeremy Guthrie. AND HE GOT TO SEE THE ROYALS THROTTLE THE INDIANS. Below is a pic that he sent me of the ball from Guthrie. What an amazing night.

Currently, the Royals are 45-40, and just 4 games behind Detroit. They are still 1.5 games out of the wild card standings, but have won 5 of the past 7 games, which includes 3 wins against AL Central opponents. They are 17-17 against the AL Central, which is very respectable. A win tonight and they are going streaking again.  

Blankmen

In 1994, the cult film classic Blankman, starring Damon Wayans as a nerdy superhero came out in theaters. The movie is great, not only because of Wayans, but also because it is full of dorky 90s fashion and hilarious costumes (it also has a pretty sweet soundtrack for those of you who like 90s R&B and hip-hop). The basic premise of the movie is that Darryl (Wayans) is a man-child and inventor and he finds a way to make his clothes bulletproof. Subsequently, he becomes a crimefighter, ultimately saving the city and winning the girl of his dreams. 

Even though the movie technically has nothing to do with the Kansas City Royals, it actually serves as a great analogy for this season’s ballclub. 

First of all, akin to dorky Darryl in Blankman, the Royals are perennial losers and have a penchant for being an underdog. Blankman has no superpowers and equally, the Royals do not have any “superstars” or leading vote-getters for the MLB All-Star game. 

Secondly, while Blankman invents bulletproof clothing, the 2014 Royals find ways to “run-proof” their games, by which I mean their pitching and defense are so good that other teams struggle to score on them. They don’t need bulletproof uniforms when they have Alcides Escobar acting like a levee at shortstop. They don’t even need Escobar when Wade Davis and Greg Holland combine to strike out 108 batters in ONLY 69.1 INNINGS. WHY DOES ANYONE EVEN TRY TO BAT AGAINST THEM???

Third, Blankman’s goal is to fight evil criminals, save his city, and win the girl he loves. The Royals’ goal is to fight the evil Tigers, save as much respect for Kansas City as possible, and win the World Series make the playoffs. Blankman was successful SO THERE IS HOPE FOR THE ROYALS!

Last and most obviously, the title of the movie could EASILY describe Danny Duffy, Jason Vargas, Greg Holland, Wade Davis, Kelvin Herrera, and Yordano Ventura. As I mentioned here, Vargas and Duffy have the lowest ERA’s on the road in the American League, and it is so rare that Holland/Davis/Herrera give up a run that it is actually news when one of them does. The Royals blanked the Twins yesterday 4-0, and currently rank #15 in the MLB with 6 shutouts on the season. 

If you have not seen Blankman, you need to go and do so before the Royals take on the Cleveland Indians this weekend. It might even inspire you to wear some comical-looking long underwear and dress up as a superhero with no powers. Who knows, it might help the team win. And you can't look any more comical than this: