SI is trash

Wow, Sports Illustrated you have really outdone yourself, you biased pile of dreck. I don’t think I will be reading you anymore. Not that I read you anyway, not even your swimsuit edition.

With your disgusting article making waves around the internet telling people who they should vote for in the upcoming MLB All-Star game, I thought it would be appropriate to tell people what magazines they should be reading instead of your BS.

1. Supernatural Magazine. Sports Illustrated is famous for cursing everyone who graces its filthy cover. So naturally, something better to read would be a magazine that helps readers find ways to reverse curses, or perhaps jinx the originator of the curse themselves. Current articles in the magazine include Hitler’s association with the occult, which is more interesting than the garbage that SI spews out
2. Highlights magazine. Everyone’s favorite method for killing time while waiting at their dentist’s office, this magazine “has been helping children become their best selves for more than 65 years.” Sports Illustrated, on the other hand, has been pushing a hidden agenda on sports fans for its entire existence (61 years).  In fact, in recent years, the only athletes or teams discussed in the pages of SI include Boston Red Sox, LeBron James, Mike Trout, Johnny Manziel, and Peyton Manning. I DON’T CARE WHAT LEBRON JAMES ATE FOR BREAKFAST AND WHAT SPORT HIS SON IS CURRENTLY PLAYING, but thanks to SI, millions of Americans can easily tell you these meaningless tidbits of info. If you want something better than mindless details about a handful of athletes, read Highlights. You can become your best self by doing so.
3. National Geographic. Since SI is incredibly biased and only discusses a few sports teams, readers are unable to learn more about the vast world we live in. Did you know that 2/3rds of the earth’s people have never seen snow? Or that there are more kangaroos than people in Australia? Or that Kansas City might have been named Rabbitville or Possum Trot? Of course you didn’t know these things if you are a reader of SI, BECAUSE THAT BIASED MAGAZINE ONLY TALKS ABOUT NEW YORK AND BOSTON. Pick up a copy of national Geographic and see what you are missing!

I can think of thousands of more magazines that would provide more tangible benefits and knowledge than reading through the crap that Sports Illustrated cranks out, but it’s time for lunch. I will be reading food wrappers instead of SI.